Greek and Roman Pornology

The church makes me really mad sometimes. Yesterday, the stake presidency came to talk to our Elder's Quorum about a variety of topics, ranging from temple covenants to Prop 8. Thank God I was asleep for all but the last two topics, or I probably would have walked out in the middle of the meeting.

One of the stake presidency said that all nude art is porn. That's right, folks. The Birth of Venus, The Thinker, and Michelangelo's David is all pornography. He said that when presented with a piece of nude art, one should say, "That is not art. That is porn." Ridiculous. Understandably, I wouldn't want my kids to see an independent film chock-full of sex scenes, but I wouldn't bar them from viewing "The Creation of Adam" by Michelangelo. I guess my Mythology professor has been flashing all of us porn during the class presentations.

Not only was this man's statement stupid and close-minded, it was also offensive.

Moreover, when he talked about the issue of Prop 8, he just blew my mind. The manner in which he was speaking was comparable to that of a war general rallying the troops. He then proceeded to quote a student who had humiliated her professor in front of his class because he was a gay rights activist: "Homosexuality is clearly wrong. The parts just don't fit."

Oh, the naivete. If only it were that simple.

Let's consider a man who's incredibly well-endowed and a very petite woman. What if their parts don't fit with each other's? Guess they weren't meant to be, eh? Because that's clearly and obviously the only criterion to determine love.

Differences in Dating

In straight Provo:

• Introduction--You meet someone from your ward or through a friend
• First date-- Double-date picnic on temple grounds
• Topics of Interest-- Weird professors. Annoying roommates. Taylor Swift.
• Doorstep scene-- Maybe a kiss... if you're lucky
• Second date-- Just about equivalent to a marriage proposal

In gay Provo:

• Introduction-- You meet someone through Connexion or Craigslist
• First date-- Dinner, then sex. Shower together. Then sex again.
• Topics of Interest-- Coming out story. Feelings on the Church. "John? OMG I dated him too..."
• Doorstep scene-- Take him home the next morning
• Second date-- A second date? What's that?

Yeah... 24... Is My Age...

Last week, I stumbled across the fact that this guy I've been hanging out with for a couple months has been lying to me-- about his age!

I mean, I've fibbed before. In my high school stage, I had to pretend to be 18 to post on Craigslist. However, I always let the guys who responded know that I was 17. None of them seemed to mind too much...

This guy, however, claimed to be 24 when he was actually 29. Obviously, that didn't settle with me. When I found out, I called him and bitched at him for a little bit, and I haven't talked to him since.

His age didn't matter all that much to me (although 29 is a little too old for me to date). What pissed me off was the fact that he lied, and I fell for it. I felt punk'd. Fooled. Beguiled.

It reminded me of a scene in my all-time favorite movie: John Tucker Must Die. Setup: John Tucker is on-stage of his birthday bash with the three girls whose hearts he had broken. He admits, "I lie to get girls," and these douchey-looking guys in the front of the crowd say, "And it's AWESOME! There's nothing wrong with hooking up with the finest girls in the school. You're the man!"

All I can say is: that's repulsive. Is that really a way to get guys?

No Sh**!!! Zone: February

It just so happens that Chinese New Year lands on February 14th this year. Of course, it's been masked by Diem Sancti Valenti-- I don't see one post on Facebook about Chinese New Year. Despite my yellow exterior, I was never one to celebrate my Asian culture. My blood runs red, white, and blue. Location, location, location. I blame it on my upbringing; I'm pretty sure I was the only male Asian in my graduating class.

In any case, happy Chinese New Year! Prosperity to all, dragons, firecrackers, and all that good stuff.

My first guy crush (a.k.a. Watermelon for those who remember my first few posts) was born on February 14th as well. In my sophomore year, when he turned 16, his friends put up posters around the school advertising his newfound date-ability, plastering his phone number all over the walls.

I was pissed beyond belief, for absolutely no good reason at all. At that point, he and I were casual friends, and I wasn't out to anybody yet, so my raging jealousy had no justification. I think what frustrated me was the realization that he was in the market, and I was unable to put in a bid. That thought reinforced the feeling that I would be closeted and lonely forever.

I trudged around bitterly that day, which was incredibly stupid of me. Now, reminiscing exactly three years later, I'm glad that my mindset has somewhat changed.

So, Happy Chinese New Year to all, happy birthday to Watermelon, and, of course, Happy Valentine's Day.

And it came to pass, He was a woman...

Warning: This post may contain heretical or sacrilegious images.

My beautiful best friend got a makeup kit for Valentine's Day from her dad. It was one of those cheap-ass $10 kits where the glitter gloss come in little heart shapes. Now she doesn't usually wear make up, but we had quite a fun night anyway...

Jesus Christ! Yes, it's the same person. Witness my makeup skills. She wasn't the only one transgendered; she made me a geisha for the night.

Talk about a Jesus-gasm.

Dodging The BYU Fuzz

Lately I've been hearing that the BYU honor code office is allowing their employees to create fake Connexion profiles to catch sexually active BYU students, which I find only slightly surprising and very outrageous.

Consequently, I tightened up my personal profile by removing any personal information that may connect the account to me. There goes my Connexion life. I'm not sure if what I've heard is merely rumors, but it can't hurt anonymizing myself since I already have a red mark against me as it is.

Yesterday, this very shady guy started chatting with me. Usually guys start off by asking questions like, "Hey, how's it going?" "Where are you from?" "How are you?" "Nice pics. What's up?"

This guy, however, asked questions like, "Are you a BYU student?" "What are you doing on this website?" "Do you have any gay friends?" Frick, he sounded like my bishop! Moreover, he had no picture and maybe three words of personal info on his page. All of this aroused suspicions, and I promptly cut off the conversation by saying that I had to go to class.

So, this guy may or may not be an honor code homo-hunter, but the fact that I had to worry about the possibility is so typical of being gay at BYU. Sometimes I wonder why I even stay here-- All this red tape drives me crazy! I prefer rainbow tape, but c'est la vie.

Detention!

So, I slept over at a high school teacher's house a few nights ago, and now my friend won't quit giving me flack about it! Maybe because I just graduated from high school 9 months ago? I guess that is a little kinky...

But in all reality, he didn't look like this old guy with the little boy. That's terrifying. I just put it up because it's funny in a very scary way. If you look closely, it kinda looks like he has a boner too! Yikes.

No, this teacher is only 28 years old, he looks more like this guy here:

All right not exactly, but he looks somewhat similar to him. In any case, I didn't even do much with this guy! I'll admit to kissing him, but it didn't go much further than that. He was a pretty good kisser too.

So funny story: I actually saw this teacher two years ago at a leadership conference in St. George during a school-sanctioned trip. I was a high school student and he was chaperoning high school students. I was 16 at the time. Totally untouchable. So obviously I didn't even introduce myself to him. Now that I'm legal (barely legal, that is), I can do whatever the hell I want!

I don't know how I feel about that. It's strange enough that I'm the same age as kids that are off-limits to him (I have a summer birthday), but the fact that I saw him when I could have been his student makes it even weirder. Plus the whole 10 year difference and whatnot.

Damn, this sounds so kinky it could be some sort of porno! "School teacher punishes misbehaving twink." Catchy, isn't it?