Blindly Falling

I remember watching this episode of Cold Case with my family one night. Of course, my mother screamed, "Oh my! Everybody close their eyes!" at this part and tsk-tsked afterward at every scene that showed any affection at all.

Obviously I didn't close my eyes. Hell, the next day, I went on Youtube to watch them kiss again.

I've always pictured falling in love to be somewhat like this. Of course, I don't condone the fact that one of them is married with children. It would be best if they were both single and not in this black-and-white era when homosexuality was taboo. (Wait a second... That sounds familiar. Oh yeah, it's called Utah.)

This is how people should fall in love-- blindly. Two associates, two friends, who just get along so well that it makes sense that they become lovers. Camaraderie first, love second. When I saw Coop and Jimmy's first kiss, my heart did a flip because

1) It was sexy.

2) I thought, "Oh my god! His poor wife!"

3) It was romantic in a sense.

It was a realization-- that's what made it romantic, why they blindly fell for each other. Neither thought, "Oh God he's cute. Maybe if I hang out with him more, or flirt with him, or primp myself up, then he'll want me!"

But does this really happen in real life? Does it happen in the gay community? Maybe not, but if it does, then this is how I want to fall in love.

In any case, because there is essentially a community here where guys actively seek each other out, be it through networking, through Craigslist, or just dating, it seems as if a lot of guys really push things. Guys are searching for love, not stumbling upon it. That's exactly what I've been doing-- actively pursuing guys. I need to change that somehow.

I really liked this episode. It was tragic, romantic, artistic, and the two guys are pretty attractive. Then again, I'm a sucker for a cute guy in uniform.

This episode is called "Forever Blue" if you ever want to check it out.

I'm a banana

That's not me, by the way. Frick, if I knew Miley Cyrus, I'd be milking that for all it's worth.

*Just a disclaimer: No racism or offense is intended in this post or any other posts on this blog.

I hate being Asian. There, I said it. I've hated being Asian for the longest time. I don't hate Asians, nor do I think them inferior in any way. However, being raised in Utah Valley, where just about everyone else is white as (pardon me) rice, I've never learned to love my Asian roots. I'm a banana! Yellow on the outside; white on the inside. Please, peel me. I mean, just think about the stereotypical Asian.

Asians:

are nerds

are skinny

have flat noses

have squinty eyes

How many Asians do you see model for Abercrombie? In comparison, how many Asians do you see playing the lead character of a movie? Guys here in Utah Valley aren't usually attracted to Asians. The guys who do are needles in this haystack called Utah.

I just don't get it. Of course I'm never going to hook that really hot guy at that party. Of course not. Perhaps it's because I'm yellow. Perhaps I'm just unattractive. Perhaps I should move out of Utah. Or get a nose job. I don't understand it.

It's 1 o'clock in the morning, I'm getting a mini-hangover from tonight, and I'm blitching (blog bitching) about why guys aren't attracted to me. Fuck me. In foresight, I'll probably look back on this moment of self-pity and delete this post, but as for now, I'm wallowing in that self-pity.

Now I have to go do my homework for tomorrow, which just so happens to be math. How ironic.

Shallow Connexions

Truth be told, sometimes I really hate BYU. Sometimes I hate Utah valley. Sometimes I hate the people in the church. All this social pressure makes dating in the gay community awkward and clumsy. The only way I can think of it happening is online, and really, that is very lame. What happened to online dating only being for socially awkward people? A lot of closeted guys who want to date here frequent Connexion, Craigslist, Manhunt... and I've find online dating to be somewhat necessary and not very preferable.

There are psychotic guys out there. There are confused guys out there. There are guys who will break down and confess you to their bishop in the blink of an eye. Of course, there are people like that in the real world, but it's much easier to get a feel for their psychosis in real life.

Because of online dating, I've had to learn to analyze texts and digital messages, give out subtle hints, and to flat-out say "I'm not interested." Hell, I haven't mastered that last bit yet. That has made me more shallow, which is not ok. If somebody is going to catch my attention online, it won't be their personality. I mean, I can see myself dating a not-so-attractive guy if I were in love with their personality, but that is very difficult to gauge online. Trying to do so by meeting every guy out there is impractical, impossible, and very dangerous.

So what do I do? Filter through to the attractive guys and hope one of them clicks with me. It's a messy and bitchy situation, but as of now, there's not much of another way.

Curb Your Whoredom

Though it looks like it would chafe as much as giving birth to a sandpaper baby, I need to get me one of these! With 2010 comes a list of resolutions that will last maybe a month or so. For one of them, a chastity belt would come in awfully handy.

In other news, school is back in session and I've moved into my attractive neighbors' apartment. I found out they pee with the door wide open, which is kind of strange. My last roommate would go into our closet and close the door just to change even his shirt, so walking by the bathroom and seeing my new roommates' junk dangling about is kind of new to me. But hey, you don't hear me complaining!

The Best Christmas Present

When I came home from work today, right as I walked in the door, my mom gave me a hug. I could tell she had been crying. She then proceeded to tell me that she had read the first half of In Quiet Desperation by the Matis's and Ty Mansfield.

First off, can I just say that the guy on the cover looks like he could be really hot? For some reason the picture reminds me of Cyclops from X-men, which makes me think of James Marsden. Mmm...

Now I haven't read this book yet, but my friend had said that it had helped his parents accept his homosexuality, so I was quite happy to hear that my mother had bought it.

This entire Christmas break, my stay at my parents' has been essentially one argument after another with my parents. Every day my sexuality had to come up, and our disagreements led to an overwhelmingly un-merry Christmas.

I received a few little presents out there, but the best Christmas present I've received this year is the hope radiating from the hug my mother gave me today.

Gossiping

I went up to Club Gossip (AKA Club Sound) two weeks ago for the FIRST TIME. Got my clubbing-cherry popped! It was everything I ever imagined it to be, plus a tranny host and god-awfully disgusting bathrooms. Really though, I can't expect a guy to aim properly when drunk.

Event though I'm more of a reserved person, I was still disappointed that I left without meeting any new people or getting any numbers. See, this is how I imagined clubbing:

I'm sitting around a table with a few friends sipping on some fruity non-alcoholic beverage and watching everyone else dancing, admiring the people. Some really cute guy comes up to start flirting with one of us and asks us to go dance with him so we do. Afterwards, numbers are exchanged, perhaps a little groping commences off the dance floor, and then we leave.

That's not how it happened. There was a lot more grinding, less flirting, and no advances from attractive guys, which is mostly my fault. I could have been a lot more sociable that night. Instead, I just hung out with the people I went there with and avoided the cameraman-- after all, I do still go to BYU, and evidence of me being at a gay club would most definitely raise some unwanted questions.

Perhaps I need to loosen up before going again, but in any case, it was fun. A little trashier than I imagined, but still fun.

Oops...

I'm a total bitch. If you can't see this, my friend (whose info is blocked out in red) and I (mine is in black) were chatting about how guys who can't speak English are turn-offs when they try to chat with you. I then proceeded to quote Drop Dead Gorgeous "Speak English you stupid retard!" accidentally to the wrong person, who wasn't speaking English well in the first place. I'm now blocked from his profile.

Oops.